Death, etc…

        A few years ago I was someone who would’ve told you I didn’t have any dreams for myself. I’d say I was excited to support other people and their dreams but I just didn’t have any myself. That was a very different time because fast forward 5 years and I’m overflowing with dreams. There are so many things I want to make and so many things I want to make people feel. I know a lot had to happen for me to see life in a new way, but one of the changes that sparked this progress was some spiritual realizations. I know to some it sounds ridiculous and to some this sounds completely normal, but I’d never considered that my Christian ideal of heaven - with its gold streets and big mansions - was not a guarantee until just a few years ago. I was deep into a culture that didn’t just teach that as a belief you could choose, but as a given fact. The time we had on this earth was, to me, just a short blip before we got to the “real stuff”. This was a time to keep our heads down, say our prayers, be good, and wait for Jesus to call us “home”. It’s not that this is a damaging view in and of itself, it’s that thinking that way held me back from wanting to experience life, because I kept thinking this wasn’t it. 

One January as we were flying back from our Christmas in the Midwest I was listening to a podcast about some science-related things and one of the subjects, which is a classic for Christians falling out of faith, is how old the earth is and how old the stars are. It was such a simple subject but that was the first time it hit me that some of the things I was taught as absolute truth (like the age of the earth for example) were actually not a guarantee. Some of the things we were taught were even scientifically proven wrong. That was shocking. I already didn’t believe in hell but it’d never occurred to me to not believe in heaven either. It was the first time I realized, not that there ISN’T going to be a gold corvette waiting for me at some pearly gates, but that that wasn’t actually an absolute GUARANTEE. I started crying and staring out the dark airplane window and I didn’t stop crying until we landed. For the first time I was so afraid of flying, so afraid of how fragile my life had just become, so afraid of not getting a chance to really do something with the time I had left, to really feel something, to really experience whatever THIS is. I wrote some words that night and didn’t talk to anyone about it. I was so embarrassed that I had this realization as an adult because I felt ashamed for being so naive. But processing this has been the single best thing that has ever happened to me, because it made me care. It made me open my eyes to the world we’re actually living in, not one I hope to see one day. It made me care that people experience good in the world and not just pray that an invisible force would someday bring justice. Suddenly I saw we are the creators of justice and we are the creators of good, and I finally realized what most people know, that this is all we have guaranteed. I no longer wanted to wait around for something better. So…long story short, I wrote this song in that weird middle ground of transitioning from one mindset to the other, knowing everything was changing. It has changed, and it still is, and it’s one of the reasons I’m working so hard to give myself the space I know I need to keep creating, because my soul really wants to say some stuff and feel some stuff. I’m working on it.

        I love music because it helps me say things I wouldn’t know how to say otherwise. So…enjoy this little tune, maybe it’ll make you feel something.